


attitude cool, speech smooth

by nebulasong



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Sibling Incest, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23550946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulasong/pseuds/nebulasong
Summary: The situation resembled a competition, and, well, Elsa was never particularly good at winning.
Relationships: Anna/Elsa (Disney), Anna/Kristoff (Disney)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	attitude cool, speech smooth

Elsa never considered herself someone jealous. Neither envious; they were just emotions she didn’t feel often, didn’t experience, didn’t see them cutting through her core to the point she was unable to think. No, rather, that was reserved for other things: sadness, loneliness. Happiness, sometimes, especially around Anna, around her family.

There was no other way to describe the emotion welling up inside at the sight of the boy — tall, blond, crooked smile, objectively _probably_ attractive — asking Anna to accompany him for a milkshake later and Anna- Anna accepting. Just like that! Accepting. Blushing, even. Elsa’s spoon fell to the bowl of soup with a clang and neither of them even paid her a glance.

Blushing! Anna never blushed. And to think it was to a guy who sounded rehearsed, looked rehearsed, if that was a thing.

“Who was that?” she asked once he has left their table to go to his own corner of the cafeteria.

“Kristoff,” Anna replied, eyes on her food, pink still dusting her cheeks “he’s in my year, a friend worked on a project with him.”

“Ah,” Elsa said, as though it explained anything. It didn’t. There was simply no way Anna would have this strong a reaction to someone a friend had known for class. “It will be quiet without you at home, finally a chance to study in peace.”

Anna giggled despite Elsa’s almost monotone delivery. It was enough to make her crack a smile, too.

The thing is… the thing is Anna started going out more and more. The Kristoff guy started coming to pick her up from the door, in his car, a puppy sticking out of the window every time. Like he knew all of Anna’s weak spots.

The thing is, Anna probably told him herself.

Elsa stirred harder. The plan was to make a cake, settle in for the weekend, do nothing except watch TV and eat and ignore responsibilities for a bit. Relax with her favorite person in the world. It was going to be good.

Except Anna had woken her up by walking on the coat hanger and falling to the floor, barely looked up to apologise when Elsa stood in the doorway with half-closed, tired eyes, said an _‘I will be back after dinner, bye!’_ and left. Just like that. It didn’t take much to figure out who her sister would be spending her day with, especially not when her social media got filled up with clips and photos, all decorated with stickers and emojis and sparkling filters.

Elsa went through every single one of them, because she was a masochist, apparently.

  
It continued like that for a few months. Elsa found out Kristoff was actually quite a good guy, for all his goofy appearance and wannabe jock attitude placed him in a flashy category. They became friends, too, but hesitantly, distantly. Nobody would look at the three of them hanging out and think it was a friend group, not with Anna always in the middle, not with both of them only ever facing her when laughing.

The newfound closeness — okayness, rather — did not stop it all resembling a competition. A hundred meter sprint, except every time Elsa felt close to the finish line, it was announced that those hundred meters would continue on for another hundred. And another, and another. And another. Until it surrounded her fully, until every small action was preceded by the question: will this catch Anna’s attention?

The answer was yes, usually. For a few minutes, a few hours if Elsa was lucky, it’d work, she’d have her sister all to herself. It’d be wonderful and Elsa would forget that Kristoff was in the picture at all.

Only for a few minutes, a few hours if Elsa was lucky. It never took much to be reminded that Anna’s new infatuation, new crush, new relationship would come knocking.

The situation resembled a competition, and, well, Elsa was never particularly good at winning.

  
Kristoff asked her, one summer, when all of them were around a bonfire and Anna had left to fetch a guitar because her boyfriend fancied himself a musician these days, if she was okay.

“What are you talking about? The vacation has been great,” Elsa had laughed.

“You seem under the weather, that’s all.” Simple, no hidden meanings. 

Elsa liked that about him. He never particularly tried to dig deep. “I had a toothache for the longest time,” she nodded, solemnly, laughing more genuinely when he kicked some pebbles at her ankles.

He was well meaning, she knew, but what could she say? I think I’m in love with my sister? It could only end in heartbreak. Her relationship with Anna was strong, but not like that, it couldn’t withstand that kind of hit, with that kind of taste. So she laughed, played around, ignored the questions about her getting a boyfriend too, and ‘double dates, Elsa!’, returned home to fall face-down on her bed and hope the pressure of the pillow against her eyeballs would be enough to stop the tears.

  
Elsa ended up graduating within the top ten of her class. 

“That’s my baby!” Anna exclaimed, hugged her, kissed her cheek.

Elsa smiled. Closed her eyes. Pretended, for one microsecond that the kiss had landed a few centimeters to the left, on her lips.

A breath would do.

She moved out after that, citing her new job as the reason. Needed to live closer, she said.

Kristoff moved in one week later.

Elsa thought about writing a letter. A note, maybe, to explain her feelings. Worst case scenario would be Anna feeling horrified and immediately cutting her off, never seeing each other again, never meeting, but at least she’d know. She’d be aware. It would be one weight off Elsa’s shoulders, one less cross to bear.

She decided against it, in the end, just kept her eyes tightly shut as she exited, prayed for her exit out of the house to never mean exit from Anna’s life.

  
A few months later, during a visit during which they all played board games loudly and happily, Elsa cut a piece of paper off a Hello Kitty notebook. Wrote a few words, simple:

_It is not your fault that I loved you more than you could ever like me._

She looked at it for seconds that stretched on like an eternity, every one of them adding distance between her words and her heart, a ship finally leaving the shore for the open waters. 

She placed it over a lit aromatic candle. The flames licked slowly, then all at once, devoured it until ash fell on the beautiful rose pink of the melted wax. It would be her absolution.

Or something like it.


End file.
